Bicyclists and Pedestrians: Your “Right of Way” is NOT Based In Actual Physical Reality.

First, I am thrilled that you sons of bitches are so healthful and environmentally conscious. There are many times I find myself behind the wheel and wishing I were enjoying some cardio in the smog like you.  Sadly, my present circumstances usually don’t permit me to walk everywhere and I don’t own a bike. Nevertheless, I adore you insufferable bastards – with your cute helmets with the rear view mirror, or traipsing along somewhere sorta near a crosswalk while texting. I want you knuckleheads to live – so please take this as coming from a place of love.

THE CONCEPT OF YOU HAVING RIGHT OF WAY IS MAN MADE. IT IS BASED IN WRITTEN LAW AND NOT BASED IN PHYSICAL REALITY.

Douchebags on wheels Bike people. I don’t know whether you are on the pedestrian side of this fence, or the ‘vehicle’ side of this fence. I don’t know if most of you know either.

Many of you pick and choose when you are or are not going to follow city traffic etiquette, like when you make your own way in between lanes and stuff. It looks really cool – and you look very hip and daring even with the aerodynamic helmet. But if you are so dynamic – you could easily get the hell out of the way when you see cars starting to line up behind you. So why don’t you? Is this some kind of passive aggressive power struggle?

Potential ugly hood ornaments Pedestrian people.  Jaywalking is a stupid offense. The fact that it ever became something the cops even could give you gumps a ticket for is crazy and testament to the degradation of the intelligence of the human race. If you meandering morons unexpectedly pop out in front of either a douchebag on wheels bike person or a non-driving ass bozo person in a car – it’s more than likely not going to turn out well. And the first person who will be impacted is going to be YOU.

Physical reality dictates that YOU have a lot more exposed soft, crunchy and squishy parts – plus you’re moving at a slower pace. So colliding with a giant chunk of metal/plexiglass/glass moving at a higher velocity actually would really fuck you up. It is wise to try to avoid having this happen to you.

Yes, you bitches have the right of way, but only by human-made and human-process-enforced law. NOT by natural universal laws of physics involving mass and velocity. Which means that if someone in a car hits you and you live – they are likely to be found to be in the wrong according to the courts. IF YOU LIVE.

If you live – the other person might get in trouble, and you will have the right to enter into a process in the courts to sue that person for your injuries and maybe get money to compensate you  for the long term unpleasant effects that you will most probably suffer.  In other words – your “Right Of Way” gives you the ability to go after a remedy AFTER something bad has happened. IF YOU LIVE!!!! (Okay!?!) So even if you win, you still kind of lose.

I just wanted to point this out, because I feel like you arrogant pantywastes the world needs this reminder that traditional Newtonian physics still do seem to apply in many cases. You see these jackasses out here texting and driving. Hey – I am amused by gory irony as much as the next person, but please try not to do things that will get you mangled or killed in public while you’re doing things that are good for your health.